I focus.

I focus on the prize, on the goal, on what i want.
I dont need anything, but myself.
I want it, i can make it happen.
Im happy.

Thru the pain.

Thru the pain, i feel happy.
Thru the pain, the bad is gone.
I need to feel happiness through a person.
through the opposite sex.
No more flaws.
I need to see thru the pain.

internal.

Internally I'm dying inside.
Internally I only have myself,
Sadly I only have myself externally too.
Internally I am sad, but its slowly showing externally.
I am becoming weaker inside and becoming weaker on the outside.
I have came to the point where crying is my relief, and crying is my fear.
The fear of showing weakness externally gives me even more weakness internally.
I need strength.
I need love, I need more of it to feel happy and above.
I am below it all, waiting something to let me in to the top.
Patience is the key.
My patience is loosing.
Impatience is winning, internally and externally.

Thank you writing for letting me relieve myself, instead of showing my fear!

vent

yes, for the only time im going to say it.

I LOVE YOU.

depression.

happiness is no longer within my surroundings.
my heart is apounding.
my happiness is words, within a song.
and a guitar to sing along.

there is always sunshine,
rain is false.
there is always sunshine,
its raise my pulse.

loose.

i loose you, i loose him, i loose all.
i loose all of the opposite gender the ones who ive trust.
you,bf,princetopher, and my daddy.

great.
feeling lost, but slowly getting stronger without them.
trying to turn my frown upside down.

little girl.

You have a heart full of gold.
you have a heart full of spirit.
you have it all but its stuck inside.
your hide your pride.

but why?

Little Girl
where is the trust you once had?
let it be free,
experience and be me.
Little Girl
be happy and not sad.
we all have fear and our days of tears.

You leave yourself behind those bars,
stuck in your past scars.
Little Girl, it is the present day your future is her and to stay.

so fly!

Little Girl,
you have the potential to be it all!
let it be free,
experience and be me.
Pretty Lady,
you have opened your eyes and soared to share to the world,
the world you once called your own.

from my journal.

I feel so broken.
i feel so hurt.
i feel so in the dirt.
im so blind, boy blind.
because your the only boy on my mind.

Friends thats all,
nothing anymore...nothing at all.
you say the things you say that blows my heart away
to me those words stain and are forever.
to you it fades away.
its hard to walk away from the history we have had,
but now i have to find someone else that makes me happy
and not sad.
glad i have no more limits and its not only you.
i can find someone to give me the love that i know
is official and true.

random writes.

whats the secret we all hold against others.
whats the truth we keep inside.
whats the lie we tell others.
whats is really your pride?

create your own steps
do no follow behind
live the life you want
and your love you will find.

i wonder too much
in other words think
how do i say it out loud
my speech is weak.

it came to the day.

the day reality came to mind.
my fantasy is unclear and not defined.
dreams are so specific until you open your eyes.
wishes are secrets until they are real.

my love was once found, but now lost.
it was once lost, but then found.
this may sound like nonsense to you,
but is complete sense to me.

my words are different and hard to believe.
i write to clear my mind not so everyone can read.
because i express through words, but unspoken.

im off to something new because the old is the past.
the past is no longer in my present nor future.
i can memorize the memories, but they are memories.

i tried to fix the present to become the past,
it didnt work.
so im off to something new.

i hope that this really something i can commit too.

secrets.

im filled with angry because of hope.
i hope too big for nothing, it goes nowhere.
why should i try?
brings tears upon my eyes and breaks my heart.
that what we had before is not something anymore.
i try i try i try, & you dont.

loss of trust. something new.

trust can be non existant to me, depending on who you are.
to gain my trust, there is a matter of somekind of love existant
love as small as a stranger friendship.

trust is non existant because of an innocent heartbreak that did not only happen once.
once is once enough, why again?
is there a purpose of why there shouldnt be trust existing between me and you.
if yes, why is there anything because trust is everything.
no trust equals independence equals to a loss of love for one another.
how to trust one's loss and gain more trust is out of love.

at least as of now, other than that im still trying to figure it out.

Ready for Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8

its different.

the thought process of love,
it doesnt fit along the lines with you
& im convinced its untrue.
but when i feel blue,
somehow all i think about is you.

the way you make me feel comforable and secure,
there is never a blurr in the picture
its always clear
i feel no tension or fear.

i have a feeling your going to think this is about you.

as it comes.

as life goes on i learn more and more about myself.
to remember who i am, im going to write it here.

1. im not the type of person to brag about what i want, unless its my mom cause she is the only who can make it happen.

2. i want trey songz.

during this point of time,

my life is going great!
everything is going great.

<3

welcome to the good life.

life is good.
life is great.
life is something we all create.
i feel happiness. i feel love. i feel higher than up above.
my friends. my family. they give me the musts i need.
no more inside bleed.

although it comes randomly at times,
makes me not myself and it shows real fine.
ill overcome the deep sadness,
because the good life is welcomed in my life,
mission accomplished.

confidence.

i am loosing confidence in myself.
i stopped believeing.
i am too hard on myself that give me negativity.
i hate negativity but yet it has grown on me so much.

im going to kill this plant and stomp on it like i do with flowers.
but flowers are 'pretty positive'.
i crush them because i am not pretty positive.

i see myself in the mirror and see n.a.s.t.y
i see ugliness, i dont see the prettiness of how think of it in me.
why?
i ALWAYS get told other wise, that im not.
why do i see the flaws first?
why cant i see the pretty within myself?

in the mirror there are different views we see of each other.
i no longer want to see myself as my view, i want to see it in some else's view.
where they see my 'pretty positive'.

i need to overcome the fear of me being ugly because i am told i am not, and i should be happy for how i have deformed into this beautiful human creature.

everyday 'HELLO BEAUTIFUL' on my hand will remind me i have beauty and not to doubt that i am not.

in my new eyes, there is no ugly human creature in this world.
ugly is not a word in my vocabulary, anything negative is not in my vocabulary.

happiness.

FAMILY.
FRIENDS.
MUSIC.
ART.
FASHION.
ASTROLOGY.

gives me infinite love.

just in a quick sec.

once i thought change of good hit my life
change of bad happens.

what do i do wrong? there are saying i didn't do anything, but then why are their still problems?
reality check.
nothing can never go back to how it used to be, once its changed ITS CHANGED.
no matter what you do or try or think its not going to be the same.

so what do you do when things are not the way you want them to be?
run. be away, feel away.
avoidance. ignorance. little kid shit.


oh well. helps me move on with my life instead of going through pointless shit.

Sister Act 2 is inspiring.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn3ZfpjfPBM&feature=related
HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLY7yI1xV-M
OH HAPPY DAY.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLWhfxq8Jhs&feature=related
JOYFUL JOYFUL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcgscTnXRzA&feature=related
SOMEBODY

yes change.

feels like the past.
feels great.
feels like my missing friendship pieces have come together as one.

may 31 2010 gained me some happiness.
actually may 28-31 201o gained me some happiness.

im perfectly content, idk what made me sad but its gone now.

change, but missing.

change is starting.
my two bestfriends, are once again friends again.
IM HAPPY.

some part of my heart is getting their pieces together.
starting to feel complete.
but yet i still have some kind of sadness in me.
it wont escape till i find that happiness.

what is that happiness im seeking for?
is it love im seeking for?
my old best friend?
my dad?

what is that im missing?

exposed.

my inner feelings (:

eh, im not going to let it get to me.
even though it already did.
buttttt again, its life.
it has its moments.

bible verse.

JOHN 4:16

“ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

soon to be tattoo on the side of my body, "there is no fear in love"

love triangle.

love triangle, im in this situation.
im so confused on what is true love, because i dont think true love exists in a love triangle.
HE ME SHE HER.
he wants me but yet he deeply wants her.
her has someone else now, if her didnt would they be together?
me wants he.
if he was still her would we be together?
she wants he.
me doesn't want to feel this way with he when he has she and her.

its a love triangle.
can true love exist in a love triangle.
he makes me happy, he always puts a smile on my face.
any guy can, but he just knows how to and i know how to for him.
was it really meant to be?


i guess in the future will see, cause i DO NOT want to be in this love triangle.
he put himself through it. i got myself out.......i think?

struck.

the words i read just gave me the worst stomach ache, not to mention heartache.
the ones you love most you hurt the most, or they hurt you the most.
all is done.
i got struck with happiness to being struck with no happiness in a quick sec.
sad, but its life.
life has its free fall during its roller coaster ride, cant live without those.
free falls are they best but yet worst part of the roller coaster.
but it makes the roller coaster better which makes you want to keep riding along.
its life, its love.

the cure of hope and music.

lately music had been the cure for everything for me right now.
it sooths me, its just relaxes me.
it helps me, its my cure.
the words in songs explains so much that i have to say.
mostly love wise. just music is amazing to me.
and every little beat combines into something entertaining putting together all at once.
music is amazing to me.
music is my cure.

thats all i need, because all i want is someone to love.
but since i cant express my emotions upon love music subsitutes 'my love'.

i've noticed as well, since i have no one to love.
i go back to one person and remember it how the feeling of love is.
not the one far away, but the one near by.
i really messed up on that one.
i miss him alot.

hope is all i have right now for picking up the pieces between us.
i hope you will put it back together with me.
i just have to pick up the first piece by saying hi, hopefully you will say hi back.
or respond by something.
hope is all i got.

i let go.

i finally did it.
i let go of him, idk how or why i did it.
but i just felt like i should.
i loved him too much and i didnt see the same love back.
i didnt want to get hurt again.
it was time.

my heart hurts, i feel sad but yet i feel good.
this is going to be hard recovery since this started 7608.
my heart was pounding and i took my heavy breaths so i wouldnt cry.
i just had to do it.

what we had was kind of pointless i was limiting my love for others.
i was only saving it for one, i still am but maybe just not for him.
i cant for him anymore, he isnt the true one i love.
but i do love him.

i cant believe it but im done with the heartache.

something is wrong.

im weak im weak.
i cannot speak.
angry words come into mind, starting to mean something just in a matter of time.
my shivers throughout my body that produce into tears.
this was the worst fear.
showing weakness.
heavy breaths to cure the water in my eyes from dropping.
i just want to be happy.
what did i do so wrong? what has changed.
are you mad i want to be independent & not depend on you.
im me, not you. its i not we.
i try to invovle you, but the cycle starts all over.
i've lost respect for you way back when what has gone wrong since then?
i wish and try to play the part of resepct for you, but then you do something that makes me wonder why i am respecting someone like you?

a simple question turns into the worse.
im calm, your gone. im stuck in my room with you chatting in the background.
it gives me a hot temper, i cool off on my own.
& acting like nothing is wrong as i text my friends on my cell phone.

i have no one to talk to about how you are.
i just want to run away far.
i've never really thought it came down to this but
i really see now you have lost your heart & kindness.

it breaks my heart cause ill i want to do is cry,
cause im weak but im strong.
but there will always be something wrong.

it's you.

you bring my down
when i have no frown.
you have power that i wish i could have.
you've done so much and gave me so much, but your running out of things to give.
so you blame it on him and your kids.
im ready to move on from you. i can not take it anymore.

i want to be independent.
i cant unless i have a job, a car, & money.
i need that boost.

i want to do my own things now, i want to grow up.
im sick of running to you, im sick of you wanting me to run to you.
it gets no where.
we bicker into yelling into fighting.
i want no more of this.

i dont think you get it, but im ready to move on.
im ready to live without you.
im ready.
i know, im ready.

what the hell do i want to do with my life?

what do i want to do?
i love cosmotology: clothes, make up, hair, nails, ect.
i love art: drawings, sculptures, paintings, photography, WRITING (maybe a journalist), ect.
i love building.
i love helping people, especially kids.
i love history: cultures, heritage, religion, ect.
i love physcology: minds, emotions, ect.
i love dancing.

i want to make money when i am older, alot of it.
to provide just enough for my kids & husband.
i dont want to strive like as i did as a child.

but what can i do to provide what i love as a living?
ive tried to pick one...but i dont want to forget about the others.
they are things i love!

is there a school with all of these things? i was thinking an art school can do the job.
but will it take me somewhere in life?

instead of homework.

i realize i have to drop the wrong and do what i like.
i need to release the happiness stuck inside.
below on the ground is where i was found, in the light im feeling perfectly alright.
i hated how it was before, i was turning into something that strongly made my heart tore.
im sad cause it was fun, but its sad because the fun made me run.
why run?
face reality, i know i have the strong mentality.
above and beyond was a cool place to be, but its not cool enough for me.

Beating

I haven't written in so long,
at least to the rhythm of my song.
My beat has changed,
into words that have been rearranged.
Although i miss the constant beating,
instead of just complicated reading.
because its easier like counting 1,2,3,
instead of singing the alphabet like abc.
Sitting & thinking of what to say next,
because it has to rhyme making it more complex.
I not only just explain how i feel in words,
but in a story free writing flying above as a bird.

The Happyness Movement.

The Happyness Movement needs to become an epidemic.
My friend Brittany and I have decided to start the movement, we both have different ways of what we mean by it so i will explain mine.

Life? we will never comprehend the full meaning. we will never know when we completely have it, hands down. nothing is easy about life. not the money, not the fame, not the friends, not anything. life has so many meaning, trying to find who you are, trying to be successful, living in the world of competition.
it all matters, but why?

WHY cant we just live life facing the problems & handling it the mature way instead of dreading on it. life has its problems, im not saying avoid it or ignore it. ignorance is not your bestfriend.
but face it. approach it. handle it. overcome it. dont let it affect your future and your happiness.
let it affect the moment its happening, fix it at that second before it goes past you and you loose something valueble.

in this world we want peace, love, and happiness. which is the happyness movement.
we want to show people & let people understand being sad, mad, upset, any emotion that isn't related to being happy isnt worth the pain, the hurt, and isnt living life to fullest.
we only live once and we can only experience so little.
life has its limit, go beyond the limit.although you cant help what you feel, but you can try to prevent from feeling that way.
at least i do, sometimes it doenst work with other people...they haven't figured it out yet.

britt and i want to teach the happynes movement and hope others will learn our reactions to problems and see how we can turn it into happyness. it not that we don't care about the problems, but why dwell on the problems? fix it & be happy.

the happyness movement is my inspiration to be more happy and to keep others happy too.
which is all this world needs, peace love & happiness.

pursuit of happiness.

today i have not yet expeirenced my sad and my happy sad.
i dwell on the past & i dont think about how it causes my future negativity. I dont negativity barbarding my life, i like positivity.
IM HAPPY.
happiness keeps me going ive realized today, i dont know what turned my frown upside down but it perfectly made my life sunny side up.
Being the downer gets no where, is unsuccessful, and is not part of my goals in life.
ive also discovered i like to draw, writing is something i love to express my emotions and dreams.
but my fictional imgination is better expressed with colors of a pencil and a picture of some kind.
ive realized i dont do the typical art scene, people, buildings, and such.
i like to draw epic and original drawings no one can see the meaning to, but me.
all my drawings and doodles have some kind of story or meaning. my art is awkward i must say and definately the last option a real artist will probably pick or maybe it might be even the first they will pick.
i dont write or draw because others are doing it too, which it seems like most people take that action. i do it cause i like it and it expresses how i really feel about things that people will never understand.

its my pursiut of happiness.

oh man,

i miss you.
:*(

hi wonders.

love is non exist to me.i wasnt in love, that was a joke.i just wanted to feel loved. nope.
because she doesnt see the love anymore..its really gone.but i dont know if its cause he is gone and she cant see it anymore but i feel it?i think.
it wasnt love.love is nonexist to me.i KNOW it wasnt love...i just know it was something that was special.im not going to lie, he was something special.but not special enough for love, he meant alot, but not meaning enough for love.he has someone else, and i have someone else for me.
someday i will meet him, but its not now.and i need to wait and be patient which is fine and i will be happy and i will make the most of it.
im happy now, and i can do it.of course itll hurt, its loosing something special.
like my dad..i love him, but i moved and lost him.but i still love him, and i love val too.but i am definately not in love with him.ive realized that its not! & its going to be way easier for me to walk away now to be sure and aware im not in love.soon, i will be in love and i will be extremely happy.
& i know IT IS love. ive been mistaken for love but i just cared about that person too much.infatuion it could of been. but ill just leave it alone and let everything fall into the place in the future.
just hopefuly i wont be a 40 year old virgin, not living my dream life.now thats depressing.
i just cant wait to feel the real existence of love and found out what i have never had.& im glad i realized what i have is officailly gone and i need to stop bringing it up back from the past.
p.s. i remember that night i went camping your the only one i wanted.you called me late at night cause i needed to pee and you were living with tonie.i remmeber that night like it was yeaterday. thats why i thought it was love.
-------------------kyle. your so hard to read. we had the best friendship.weirdly if i think about it, we had aalot of memories.and weirdly i remember more of our memories than any other person.even the person i thought i loved, (what a joke) but the person i cared about alot.
how we would watch shows together, walk together, you being my brother, and us just being us.you cared so much about me, you have even said it.i still have it. i wouldnt want to delete that way you feel about me.its not often said, so if you can only hear it once than might as well keep like you will hear it never.everytime i see you i try not to pretend you exist but your always on the corner of my eye in first period always on the tip of my toungue.always one of the main prioerties thoughts in my head.you were like my bestfriend, you were my bestfriend.we had a bond, a close bond.i hate that its lost.will it ever be found? to me it seems like you tihnk our friendship is dead already buried in the ground.but to me our friendship is in a coma, still breathing, just sleeping figuring out a way to wake up.my heart it beating fast from our friendship we had, my small grin wont go away.i can hear my heartbeat out of my ears, and my ears drums keep beating to the sound of my heart.my face is heating up, if i was white id be beet red.i feel so hott thinking about you because im so angry i can miss someone like you.i should be thinking of all the nagatives you put me through, always putting me down in the dirt making me feel worthless.thats what i do with everyone to push out of my life.but i cant remember the neagtives, maybe thats why i remember our memories so much becuase i dont think of your neagtives.but thats all you show towards poeple, is your negative side.i think the reason why i miss you the most cause you finally opened up to me, and talked to me about deep thoughts, your deep thinking.& you have to figure out how to open and i found the key to open you. your like the biggest door of my decsion making.your the middle door, which is the biggest door and then the other doors right beside you is val and the next one is living without you,& not caring about you.i lost the key to open you. so i have to pick the other two.i threw away the key to vals door because it took me nowhere, and the only choice is to live without you.you wont help me find the key to open you, and i have been looking too many times by myself.so im in the door in living without you and im waiting for you to open my door again.so we can bring back our past friendship, even though people say we will have our freindship again.i feel like its impossible. you make it impossible for me to believe it can happen.ya, you purposely give me HOPE to think we can be friends but i KNOW we wont.i know your doing that in purpose, but i dont want to beleive your doing it on purpose cause i actaully want there to be HOPE.
from thinking about all the memories we had. i loved our memories, i actually still do.but i hate that you dont care or probably remember anything of us.i hate to know that you know i still care still want you, miss you.miss our friendship. miss everything we had..the good the bad the ugly the pretty.

--------i feel like people have taking my happiness.something im good at has been takin away from.my heart has lost its path.
i know people can be in love with my happiness, but it sucks.cause its my happiness..it makes me feel good.& i know they feel the way i feel but it just sucks.i have to share something i can finally call my own.cause i love to share my things, but this was or is something that was mine.just mine.writing. it feels so good just to express myself with the words of my thoughts.it express myself through how i feel and the emotions inside of me and caught and stuck inside mebut the only way to release my emotions is the feeling of my thoughts being express in words only i will know whati am talking about.words where people wouldnt understand cause only i know.but know that i feel that people know the words i am being expressed by taking how i express it.i lost it.writing feels good, but it doesnt feel as good knowing its not my own.i just know i will ALWAYS have writing, and these people are only going to think of writing as a one time thing. never me. i always have it, writing is in me. but when their writing is better than mine, makes me feel like writing is not my thing because someone elseis good at it.like i said, my happiness is gone.i feel like the happy sun that brightens up my day dies because of the fires of sadness taking over the sun into a midnightdark road without anywhere to go.im lost without writing and i shouldnt care that people found the same happiness.i should be happy people can feel the same happiness in writing.

blah blah blah

why does it feel like i always talk to myself?
this why i always think people are ignorant and insensitive.

thank you building tolerance!
you have made me realized alot about people.
sadly.

*

yesterday you made it hard.
it took you a month to talk to me.

& now you want me to talk back after all you have done?
what am i supposed to do or say..
of course i want to keep giving you chances but itll leave me no where just on the road of hurt and heartbreak.

gives you the thoguht you can have me whenever you want,
thats not what im going to do. cause you cant.
you make me so weak but yet so strong.

strong enough to let go.

the missing pieces.

....only real thing that is missing is my dad.

the move.

I search but never find, hurt but never cry,I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so nevermind,but i will never give up, because im strong,when all goes wrong, i will just simply move on.

my song.

"Something always brings me back to you.It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down. "

-SARA BAREILLES


i have too many dreams,
i have too many wishes,
but the things i want most help me go on with my day.

emotions.

my emotions are everywhere.
i dont understand it.

im SO HAPPY, but im SO SAD.
everytime i just want to break down and cry, my mind or my heart reminds me to be positive and be happy.
it reminds me i shouldnt waste my time on being down, because it gets me no where.
it doesnt satisfy me, just reminds me over the negatives i dont want.

i dont get life.
i dont get friends, i feel like i have none.
but i have the best friends in the world, but yet i am friends with like everyone.
but then again i feel like i have none.
none i can call my true friends, none i can call best friends, none that is the kind of friend i WANT guess.
none that meet up to 'my dream friend'.
they are all different, everyone is different.

i have too many dreams.

i just have so many issues i cant get out of my head.
my dad, my family, my friends, school and grades, my future, and love.

i just cant handle all of this, i want to be happy.
and thats all i am ever going to be, even if it comes to the worse.
and when it comes to the worse i like to be alone.
with no one around, i hate people seeing me at me worst.
and thats why i feel like i have no friends again..because i am uncomfortable for them seeing me at my worst.

honestly, what can they do?
they cant do anything. i can only do it myself, i can only comfort myself, I can only make myself happy again.
They can make me happy again but not happy mentally to keep moving forward to the next day.
not happy enough to keep me alive.
i have to do that myself.

"here i am, and i stand so tall, just the way i am supposed to be."
lately, i have been listening to "gravity" nonstop.
its my song. my song that explains my feelings.
"your keeping me down"
i think its true. it reminds me of so much, it helps me cope.
it helps me, it calms me, it makes me happy, makes me sad, it makes me feel everything i want to feel.
it brings me happiness, it brings the feelings i dont want to feel but yet it cures the feelings.




















sometimes i just want to runaway, actually i always want to runaway.
somewhere else where everything is different. a different place.
someplace where i belong....here, i feel like i dont belong.
& im done, i dont enjoy this feeling.
i just want to go away.

change for the present from the past.

i havent changed for the better.
ive changed for the worse.

i cant believe what ive done to myself?
to make myself unhappy, to make myself not understandable and to make myself for me.

i feel. i feel myself locked up, screaming wanting to come out.
but i wouldnt let myself out because i wanted to have friends.
but friends where they didnt make fun of me.
for how i look, for how i smile, for how i looked like a kid.

people liked me for who i am.
idk why and how i just changed. i let them get to me.

i shouldnt have, its their way of loving me.
why didnt i realize and see. how did i not see.

im just so happy i know, im just so happy i can come back and be myself.
im DONE with that depression.

i dont want to change for i thought to make myself a better person, a 'grown up' person.
but anything this change has brought the worse in me, and i was blind to see.

im so glad i can come out. & just be me.
like im willing to give up the change me for the old me.

its just something i need to let go...it hasnt brought good to me or others.

its so weird how the things people kept a secret and just say it and be blunt you learn more about life and the different views of the world.
im just so happy i can be myself again!

instead of not caring..i want to care(:
life is an amzing gift if you open it all the way.

i want change.

i want change in my life. i hate the old, but i love the past.
the past brought me who i am today, but i want change.
i want change to become my past and be the present now.

i love change.
its new adventures, and i love adventures.
trying something new is being something new to me and i love new things.
i want change, i want new change.

im trying to find new friends and new things to get invovled with.
i love all my friends now and what im invovled in now, but its old.
old isnt new. old isnt a new adventure.
once your old pair of shoes are worn out dont you want new ones?

its just like shoes for me, but i still keep all my shoes no matter what.
even if they dont fit anymore, just like my friends.
ill always have my friends even if we dont talk anymore.
i will ALWAYS be there for them, even if they havent been there for me.
i still have a heart i still am human i stil have feelings.
& so do they.

but change is good. it brings life into place.
and my life is on the go to find change to settle down right.

less is more.

caring less, but really caring more is hard to hide.
i dont what to really feel or show because i dont want the one with the broken heart in the end.
id rather care less than the other person in the relationship to protect myself.

so if that means one word text instead of one page text....i will do, just protect myself for the aching pain of heartbreak.

always has. always will.

No one gets me. no one understands me, but myself.
i try to open up myself and be myself around people i trust, but they dont get ME.
they love me, but yet they dont. well at least in my eyes they dont.

when im sad and heartbroken i just want to lay around and watch cute love movies,
but no.
"this movie is gay"
.....uhm "ya it is!" i really dont this it is, its only the beginning didnt even give the movie a chance to explain the story.

ya.

i wish people knew or comprehend my feelings. i guess its just me.
always has been. always will.
ive tried enough. there is no one.

If people dont like it then oh well...find someone new. dont be around me. fuck me.
ill find new people, people who sorta understand me.
Im me and thats all im ever going to be and guess what this year 2010 im standing up for ME.

2010 im standing up the who i am, the real me. hate it or love it, ITS ONLY ME. always has always will.

the quote.

God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you. To make you into the person you were meant to be.