i let go.

i finally did it.
i let go of him, idk how or why i did it.
but i just felt like i should.
i loved him too much and i didnt see the same love back.
i didnt want to get hurt again.
it was time.

my heart hurts, i feel sad but yet i feel good.
this is going to be hard recovery since this started 7608.
my heart was pounding and i took my heavy breaths so i wouldnt cry.
i just had to do it.

what we had was kind of pointless i was limiting my love for others.
i was only saving it for one, i still am but maybe just not for him.
i cant for him anymore, he isnt the true one i love.
but i do love him.

i cant believe it but im done with the heartache.

something is wrong.

im weak im weak.
i cannot speak.
angry words come into mind, starting to mean something just in a matter of time.
my shivers throughout my body that produce into tears.
this was the worst fear.
showing weakness.
heavy breaths to cure the water in my eyes from dropping.
i just want to be happy.
what did i do so wrong? what has changed.
are you mad i want to be independent & not depend on you.
im me, not you. its i not we.
i try to invovle you, but the cycle starts all over.
i've lost respect for you way back when what has gone wrong since then?
i wish and try to play the part of resepct for you, but then you do something that makes me wonder why i am respecting someone like you?

a simple question turns into the worse.
im calm, your gone. im stuck in my room with you chatting in the background.
it gives me a hot temper, i cool off on my own.
& acting like nothing is wrong as i text my friends on my cell phone.

i have no one to talk to about how you are.
i just want to run away far.
i've never really thought it came down to this but
i really see now you have lost your heart & kindness.

it breaks my heart cause ill i want to do is cry,
cause im weak but im strong.
but there will always be something wrong.

it's you.

you bring my down
when i have no frown.
you have power that i wish i could have.
you've done so much and gave me so much, but your running out of things to give.
so you blame it on him and your kids.
im ready to move on from you. i can not take it anymore.

i want to be independent.
i cant unless i have a job, a car, & money.
i need that boost.

i want to do my own things now, i want to grow up.
im sick of running to you, im sick of you wanting me to run to you.
it gets no where.
we bicker into yelling into fighting.
i want no more of this.

i dont think you get it, but im ready to move on.
im ready to live without you.
im ready.
i know, im ready.

what the hell do i want to do with my life?

what do i want to do?
i love cosmotology: clothes, make up, hair, nails, ect.
i love art: drawings, sculptures, paintings, photography, WRITING (maybe a journalist), ect.
i love building.
i love helping people, especially kids.
i love history: cultures, heritage, religion, ect.
i love physcology: minds, emotions, ect.
i love dancing.

i want to make money when i am older, alot of it.
to provide just enough for my kids & husband.
i dont want to strive like as i did as a child.

but what can i do to provide what i love as a living?
ive tried to pick one...but i dont want to forget about the others.
they are things i love!

is there a school with all of these things? i was thinking an art school can do the job.
but will it take me somewhere in life?

instead of homework.

i realize i have to drop the wrong and do what i like.
i need to release the happiness stuck inside.
below on the ground is where i was found, in the light im feeling perfectly alright.
i hated how it was before, i was turning into something that strongly made my heart tore.
im sad cause it was fun, but its sad because the fun made me run.
why run?
face reality, i know i have the strong mentality.
above and beyond was a cool place to be, but its not cool enough for me.

Beating

I haven't written in so long,
at least to the rhythm of my song.
My beat has changed,
into words that have been rearranged.
Although i miss the constant beating,
instead of just complicated reading.
because its easier like counting 1,2,3,
instead of singing the alphabet like abc.
Sitting & thinking of what to say next,
because it has to rhyme making it more complex.
I not only just explain how i feel in words,
but in a story free writing flying above as a bird.

The Happyness Movement.

The Happyness Movement needs to become an epidemic.
My friend Brittany and I have decided to start the movement, we both have different ways of what we mean by it so i will explain mine.

Life? we will never comprehend the full meaning. we will never know when we completely have it, hands down. nothing is easy about life. not the money, not the fame, not the friends, not anything. life has so many meaning, trying to find who you are, trying to be successful, living in the world of competition.
it all matters, but why?

WHY cant we just live life facing the problems & handling it the mature way instead of dreading on it. life has its problems, im not saying avoid it or ignore it. ignorance is not your bestfriend.
but face it. approach it. handle it. overcome it. dont let it affect your future and your happiness.
let it affect the moment its happening, fix it at that second before it goes past you and you loose something valueble.

in this world we want peace, love, and happiness. which is the happyness movement.
we want to show people & let people understand being sad, mad, upset, any emotion that isn't related to being happy isnt worth the pain, the hurt, and isnt living life to fullest.
we only live once and we can only experience so little.
life has its limit, go beyond the limit.although you cant help what you feel, but you can try to prevent from feeling that way.
at least i do, sometimes it doenst work with other people...they haven't figured it out yet.

britt and i want to teach the happynes movement and hope others will learn our reactions to problems and see how we can turn it into happyness. it not that we don't care about the problems, but why dwell on the problems? fix it & be happy.

the happyness movement is my inspiration to be more happy and to keep others happy too.
which is all this world needs, peace love & happiness.

pursuit of happiness.

today i have not yet expeirenced my sad and my happy sad.
i dwell on the past & i dont think about how it causes my future negativity. I dont negativity barbarding my life, i like positivity.
IM HAPPY.
happiness keeps me going ive realized today, i dont know what turned my frown upside down but it perfectly made my life sunny side up.
Being the downer gets no where, is unsuccessful, and is not part of my goals in life.
ive also discovered i like to draw, writing is something i love to express my emotions and dreams.
but my fictional imgination is better expressed with colors of a pencil and a picture of some kind.
ive realized i dont do the typical art scene, people, buildings, and such.
i like to draw epic and original drawings no one can see the meaning to, but me.
all my drawings and doodles have some kind of story or meaning. my art is awkward i must say and definately the last option a real artist will probably pick or maybe it might be even the first they will pick.
i dont write or draw because others are doing it too, which it seems like most people take that action. i do it cause i like it and it expresses how i really feel about things that people will never understand.

its my pursiut of happiness.